It happens to everyone at some point in their relationship. You get a sexual advance form your partner but you're not just in the mood to reciprocate. Care has to be taken on how to treat these types of situations as they can cause emotional damage to men as well as women if not handled well. Here are our tips to help navigate these waters.
Try to avoid the situation in the first place
The best way to avoid being put in that situation would be to send clear signals to your spouse that it is currently not the best time to go looking for action. Communication is the key and it is important to speak what's on your mind at all times. If you are tired or stressed and just not in the mood, tell them in advance at supper or in another casual forum: "I'm so tired, want to just lounge and watch a movie tonight?" or "I'm so stressed for my big presentation at work tomorrow. I think I'll need to go over the slides after the kids are in bed".
Besides talking, you can also use body language such as changing your clothes or appearance to reflect your current mood (example: putting on sleepwear or curling up on the sofa under a blanket with a warm cup of tea)
Proactively conveying your mood to your spouse or saying what's on your mind is much better than spilling the beans after you've been asked.
It's OK to ask them to do something to put you in the mood
Before resigning to a "no" or giving in to the passive quickie, see if there is something they can do on their end to help put you into the mood. It may be an old favorite foreplay item, a sure-fire sex position or something new and exciting you want to try. Think along the lines of:
- "Sure, if you're up for first doing that thing to me with your lips like the other time"
- "OK, but are you up for slipping into that little outfit that really turns me on?"
- "How about this time you talk dirty to me and let me know what you want me to do to you. That would really turn me on"
- "Yeah! ... but how about if we try something new I read about..."
Don't lie
Lying to your partner to avoid hurting their feelings may seem like a good thing at the moment, but it is not something that is healthy for your relationship. Saying you have a sudden headache isn't just condescending but it also may leave your spouse insecure and feeling distrustful. Remember, sex is an emotional need; as with all feelings it is something that needs to be acknowledged and addressed, and not simply blown off by a white lie.
Don't ever say you're not feeling it ... but you'll do it for them as a favor
Oh PLEASE avoid the pity sex. It's not just demeaning but it's a major turn-off for men and especially women. Playing the hero and letting your partner know you're "taking one for the team" isn't just pompous, it's an invitation for an awkward encounter or a great start for a potential argument.
Hold the Oscar, you don't need to pretend you're all into it
On the flip side, don't think you need to just be quiet on how you really feel and just pretend you're in to it. Unless you're an experienced porn star, your partner will most likely know that you're faking or as a minimum figure out you're not as into it as you say. Remember, the body doesn't lie.
Try to find a way to have fun for the both of you
Ok now you've been asked, so look at it this way: you know your partner is horny for you and what's hotter than that? If you're not up for doing it all, propose something that would be fun for the two of you. You can explain that you're not in for "the usual" and suggest something that would satisfy them but would be fun for you to do. Some ideas:
- Propose using something else like your fingers, mouth or a toy
- Watch them play with themselves while you enjoy the show, then help them finish off
- Use lubricants or other products to speed things up
- Spice things up - grab the handcuffs and ask your spouse to have their way with you
Find a fun way to reschedule
If you're really not up for anything of the sort, avoid blowing off your partner with a flat-out "no" or making up a fake excuse. Instead, let them know the real reason behind your decision and find a way to reciprocate the feelings at a later time.
One tip I always like to give is to make a "sexy raincheck". Tell them the reason why you really can't right now but then grab a notepad and scribble a note or sketch (in secret) of a sexy or dirty thing to do at a later time. Tape it shut or put it in an envelope and mark "do not open until ... (tomorrow, Saturday night, etc)" Give it to them and promise them you'll make time on that date and they won't regret having waited for what's in the envelope. Finish it off with a smooch on the lips or a solid hug.
Make love, not rejection :0)
-BSYNH
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